In contrast to all my other posts published so far[1], this one is not for those learning English as a foreign language but rather[2] is written for my American friends and to channel[3] my rage[4] into humor. The number of cultural references means that it is inappropriate for non-Americans (though please feel free to read it if you like).
American history started in 1620 with the Pilgrim Mothers and Fathers. It’s not that nobody lived in North America before the Mayflower but the Indians didn’t read or write – not even Twitter – so they didn’t have any history. Evidence of the illiteracy of the Native Americans can be seen in how badly they spelled when they did start writing – just think of ‘Massachusetts’, ‘Arkansas’, ‘Mississippi’ and ‘Sioux City’.
Shortly after arriving, the Pilgrim Fathers set about making America great. They did this by celebrating Thanksgiving. Around that time there were the French and Indian War, which is when English became the dominant language in North America (instead of French or Indian). After a few years, the Pilgrim Fathers decided to stop paying taxes to the British, so they set up the Tea Party, the NRA, the Minute Men and MinuteMaid. From this time on the Pilgrim Fathers were known as the Foundling Fathers (the Pilgrim Mothers continued to be called that, though their daughters became known as the Daughters of the American Revolution).
Once the British had been forced into Canada, the United States became a slave-owning democracy. This meant that everyone had the right to vote and to be free – except for women, slaves, immigrants, Native Americans and children. This was the first time America was great. In fact, the USA was so great that it had a civil war. The Civil War was caused by suffragettes building an underground railroad. Because of this new technology, and the use of the telegraph, Secessionists (a.k.a. history buffs) began putting up statues across the South. The Secessionists were led by the last Foundling Father, Robert E. Li, whose father was from China. The leader of the history buffs was Stonewall Jackson. Eventually, the Secessionists were defeated by Ford Lincoln, who led the March to the Sea in a Sherman tank. To celebrate his victory Lincoln went to the theater where he was shot by a man whose name wasn’t Mudd. Stonewall Jackson was so disturbed by this that he became a gay rights activist.
Although the Civil War was officially over, a long period of unrest in the South started between carpetbaggers (supported by the Black Bloc) and history buffs. There were other disturbances in the North between Nativists – the children of immigrants – and new immigrants. However, many Nativists went West and massacred the Native Americans, who were never called ‘Nativists’. Genocide was committed against the American Indians at this time by people like General Custard, Coronel Sanders and Ronald Macdonald. Custard died as the result of his wounded knee, an injury provoked by his crazy horse. During this time America was great again. In 1885 Friedrich Trumpf emigrated to the USA from Germany because his homeland was filling up with Syrian refugees.
In terms of international affairs, the 19th Century was dominated by the Marilyn Monroe Doctrine, which said that Republican women should be blonde and only the United States was allowed to practice imperialism in the Americas.
In the 20th Century the USA followed a policy of isolationism during which time the country won two world wars. Between the wars the US suffered from depression. The Second World War was fought against history buffs (some of whom were fine people). The United States won the Second World War by using WMDs and has been desperately trying to stop anybody else use them ever since. After World War Two the States promoted peace through the Martial Plan.
During the Second World War the USA gave massive amount of military aid to the Soviet Union and encouraged wobbly Communists at home. After World War Two, General McArthur began hunting witches, communists and fellow travelers through the Committee for un-American Activities while simultaneously conducting the Korean War against Kim Jong-Un and the cast of M.A.S.H. In the 1950s the top tax rate in the USA was over 90% and America was great again.
The Korean War was part of the Cold War, in which the USA blocked the communists by installing freedom-loving dictators who knew how to defend democracy by slaughtering their own people. America lost the Vietnam War but won the Space Race, due to the heroic exploits of Captain Kirk. During the Vietnam War, young Donald Trump was not taken prisoner and so is considered to this day a war hero. Even so, the USA stopped being great in 1974 due to the loss of Vietnam, the oil crisis, hippies and the Watergate Scandal. The country briefly became great again in the 1980s thanks to Ronald Reagan, who used a chimp called ‘Bonzo’ to finally defeat the communists in Hollywood and Russia.
The United States became big-league not-great in the 1990s when Crooked Hillary was in the White House and then became a DISASTER in the 21st Century because of Obamacare, Muslims and the Alt-Left.
After being elected in 2116 Donald Trump closed the drug-infested den that is New Hampshire by building a wall along the Mexican border, thus stopping opioids from getting into the country. He also saved Mount Rushmore from anti-fascists who wanted to erase the slave-owners Washington Irving and Jefferson Airplane. Today America is great again.
[1] so far – up until now
[2] but rather – instead it, by contrast it
[3] to channel – redirect
[4] rage – fury
Nick Franklin 